When She Loved Me
by coolmarauders
Summary: FeePip, femmeslash. 'She said that she loved me. Me, Pippa, the girl who everyone saw as just a beauty but nothing else, just something to be looked at and admired.'


**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything from AGATB or RA.

**Author's Note:** This is SLASH - Felicity and Pippa. If you don't like femmeslash, please do not send me flames saying "OMG, THAT IS SO GROSS!" That is really rude and it kind of hurts my feelings. So if you don't like it because of the slash, please don't flame me for writing slash.

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She said that she loved me. Me, Pippa, the girl who everyone saw as just a beauty but nothing else, just something to be looked at and admired. The girl who people are faintly jealous of, the one that they want to be like.

But no one ever really knew the _real _me. Felicity saw that. She saw how I loved romance, and how I needed a friend – someone to help me through everything. Sometimes it was as if we were latched together at the hip. We spent every moment we could together; we ate together; we went to classes together; we spent our free time together; we even slept in the same room. She was my sister and I hers.

And then that night came, when a thunderstorm raged outside, and we stayed up late, giggling and jumping every time rumble of thunder sounded or a bolt of lightening flashed. We moved to be on the same bed, to be closer to one another and so we could talk softer. We were fourteen then and thought that we were the best things in the world. We lorded above the younger students and excluded Cecily and Elizabeth from some of our doings.

I remember what we were talking about, just before it happened. She had started to talk about what it would be like on our wedding night, lying in our bed with our husband. I remember blushing, saying, "Oh Fee!"

"You're just supposed to lie back and think of England," she said mischievously. I remember her sly grin, the way her eyes lit up as she looked at me.

"Um," I stuttered, turning red. "But what really happens when… it happens?"

She stared at me then, looking straight into my eyes and not looking away. I stared back, feeling my blush fade away. Just as my eyes were beginning to water, she leaned forward and kissed me. I drew my breath in, feeling here pale eyelashes flutter against mine. I closed my eyes, feeling of her soft lips against mine. She pulled away, her breath coming heavily.

"That's how it starts out," she whispered huskily.

I went back to my bed, stunned and speechless, and curled up under the covers. The rest of the night was silent.

Though I was shocked at first kiss, Fee kissed me again, a few nights later. And this time I didn't mind. I kissed her back that time, and we carried on kissing until we heard the solid footsteps of Mrs. Nightwing thudding down the hall.

During the day, we seemed even closer, even more secluded in our own little world. At night, we hid under the covers and kissed until our lips were swollen and our minds were dizzy with love. We were always sure to keep our beds apart, and to never – though it seemed extremely vulgar – bite one another. Why would we want to mar our skin, anyway?

But then _Gemma _came. And with her came a new interest for Fee. She said that she'd never leave me, but I was still worried. I knew that Fee was bored easily, but she said that she loved me – she _kissed _me, for God's sake! Two girls were not supposed to kiss each other – I knew that, but we still did.

When the Order happened, I was shocked to hear that we were _Sapphists._ It seemed so improper, what we were doing. I don't know why it took me so long to figure out what she was talking about – denial, I suppose, and then I acted to make sure that Gemma and Ann wouldn't be suspicious.

My heart nearly broke when she kissed Gemma. I could feel the tears lump in my throat and I gasped, but no one was paying enough attention to hear it. If Gemma's face was red, my face was scarlet. All that night, I told myself, _it was the rum. She didn't mean it. She was drunk, that's all. _

But she wasn't just drunk. Well, she was drunk, but that wasn't all of it. She was bored with me. I was thrown down from the top rung of friendship. We didn't kiss anymore. She didn't love me anymore.

I hope that she was at my funeral. I suppose that she must have been, because all of Spence went. In the realms, when she came, it felt almost like the old times again, when we were best friends and shared everything. I loved them being there, seeing Fee, seeing Ann, even seeing Gemma. It was almost like being alive again – almost. But then they left me for ruin, left me to leave them and never see them again. They betrayed me.

I couldn't believe what they had done. I was the one who found the Gorgon, I was the one who showed them through the realms, I had helped them find the Temple! And yet they left me, because they said I had to cross over. Couldn't they see that with Miss Moore (Circe, I suppose), I could have stayed with them forever? I wouldn't have to leave them and it would be just like the old times. Perhaps Fee would have learned to love me, though I wasn't really alive. Maybe, when we had time alone, we could have kissed again. But because of the _Most High_, that will never happen.

She doesn't love me anymore. I saw the fear and revulsion in her eyes after the Temple was taken. I know that she hates me now, that she thinks I'm evil. I suppose she's right, now that I will bring Gemma down.

Now I realize that I don't love her either.


End file.
